Monday, July 11, 2005

An Open Letter to Taco

Below please find the following review that Brian and I consulted, via Yahoo! Movies, prior to viewing the film Batman Begins.

Disapointing by (movies profile) Jun 16, 2005 82 of 1235 people found this review helpful

First of all I reserved these tickets for about ten people and was exited to see this new movie. But it was so boring, slow and long. And the action, what action? there wasnt any except like in a chase scene and at the end on a train, but thats it and the movie is about two and a half hours long. The effects were really good too, well since there wasnt much action there wasnt much effects to fill out. Second I didnt get it, the story kept going from one persons view to another. And the villains, theres like three but they dont even do anything, and the most popular villain in the movie is the scarecrow and he is only a henchman. The acting was pretty good Christian Bale and Katie Holmes werent bad. But what really ticked me off was that the characters kept talking and talking and no action was done. It just carried on too much you dont know how much until you see the movie. Oh and another thing when Bruce/Christian wears the Batman suit his voice changes it sounds kind of like Clint Eastwoods voice which made it even cheesier. So much hype but it just failed to deliver. "Man" such a dissapointment wait for War of the Worlds of Fantastic Four.

Here follows our open letter to Taco regarding his review.

Dear Taco10407:

Hello to you!! We are writing in response to your Yahoo! Movies review entitled “Disapointing [sic]” dated June 16, 2005 and regarding the film Batman Begins.

I am Bevin, you may recall me from such antics as that time I bought yarn from LadyOfyre on ebay or my appearance in the New Yorker magazine when I totally rode the Yarn Bus and reached national fame. This letter is being jointly written with Brian, who you may recall as the Boy Knitter of the Knitlist or the other person on the Yarn Bus with Bevin that time when the New Yorker profiled them and they reached national fame.

It is difficult to absorb the complexity of a review as intricate as “Disapointing [sic]”. However, noting your dismay regarding the “lack of action” in Batman Begins, Brian and I saw the movie and counted the number of action scenes. Taco, we must say, we were surprised to note, especially after your review stating that there were only two action scenes (“except like in a chase scene and at the end on a train”) that there were no fewer than 22 action scenes in Batman Begins. This is, of course, assuming you count the time when Katie Holmes (aka Joey from Dawson’s) totally slapped that boy—twice—in the car for being a mofo. That was actiony in that it totally involved contact and violence, but no special effects. Also, it was the closest to sex we got in the movie. Purists may say this was not an action scene, in which case there are still 21 action scenes.

Some action sequences that may have slipped your mind when drafting “Disapointing [sic]” were that time Bruce Wayne got into a fight with 12 prisoners in the Asian Prison. Which, by the way, we feel is a sign of a good movie these days, please see Bridget Jones 2 for example, where she is totally in Asian Prison. Or that time when Bruce Wayne blew up the dojo in the Himalayas and almost fell off of a mountain. Or the time when he did that thing to that guy and then did the spotlight and then we had a bat signal. And there’s also that one time he is dangling that guy off the roof and yelling “swear to me” and stuff. There were many more, and that slap scene if you buy it as action, which we do.

Also, regarding special effects. There were a great deal of special effects shots, though some may have been seamless to your discerning eye. One may say the hallmark of a good special effect is that it does not seem like a special effect and becomes expendable to the viewer as the reality of the film’s shoot. For example, didn’t it hella look like it was a real train system going into that tower, every time they showed it and not just the time when Batman [editing this so as not to spoil the film for potential viewers, but let me assure you this is no doubt the second action sequence you refer to in your review].

And how about those maggots on the Scarecrow’s mask? Those weren’t actiony but, come on Taco, did you really think that cute boy would let so many maggots near his pristine visage and especially his mouth?

Taco, we theorize that you either did not see the same movie we did, or that you might have been high while viewing it. The fact that the movie kept changing from one actor to another indicates that the point of view was omniscient and not first person and that they were telling a story instead of playing a video game. This is called a plot and is a very useful tool when one is trying to move along a movie and make the actiony elements even slightly believable.

The one thing we totally agree with you about, Taco, is that Christian Bale channels Clint Eastwood as his Batman voice. We both would have gone with something more Darth Vadery but that’s us.

We certainly hope your other nine friends thought this was a fantastic action flick and enjoyed the fact that it was plot-driven.

Perhaps next summer Vin Diesel will make a movie without a plot and only action just for you.

See you at the movies?

Bevin & Brian


kaitlyn said...

this internet thing is craaaaazy. You are the third Bevin I've found after a lifetime of meeting no one named Bevin but my own sister... and right near NYC no less! Saw your comment on Knitting Fiend and had to click through... and then I saw your comment about Gingers in Park Slope--I live a block from there! Rock on... just thought i'd alert you to another Bevin existence.

elspeth said...

You two are mega-totally hilariously supremely awesome and whatnot. You make me laugh, you do.

Quiconque said...

I was hoping that you had written an open letter to Taco Ockerse, but this letter is even better than the one I'd imagined.

Mr. Snitch said...

We think maggots are so totally underrated as entertainment.

lucia said...

I haven't seen the movie yet... But, maybe, Taco didn't either? :)

lucia said...

I haven't seen the movie yet... But, maybe, Taco didn't either? :)